Kelsey Remembers She Has a Blog
Hey. It's me. I'm back.
So, I didn't exactly mean to take a two month hiatus from this blog that I only started in May (yes, it only took me a month to need a two month break). It's just that my mind heard a knock at the door at 2 AM and a disheveled old friend came barging in telling my mind that it was in grave danger and that it must leave at once. Apparently some crime lord knew my mind was a key witness for the defense and must be silenced. Confused and still half asleep, my mind quickly packed some clothes into a bag - somehow only grabbing t-shirts and no extra pairs of pants - along with a loaf of bread, a block of cheese and one apple (yes, this scene took place in a Charles Dickens novel) and left the apartment under the cover of darkness.
Basically, my mind went into witness protection. But all the while it was gone, it kept this blog in the back of it's head. Well, it's finally returned and ready to piece things back together.
Hating Structure, Wanting Freedom. Needing Structure, Losing Freedom
I hate structure. I don't care for it. I like to be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. This is not unlike most people. I love being free to plan my life the way I want it. There couldn't possibly be a downside to this could there?
I have, unfortunately, discovered that I do not possess the power to bend all to my will. It's a total bummer. Another thing I have discovered is that structure and rules are what allow us to have freedom. In one of the books I have read this summer (seriously, I need to do better at taking notes so I can remember which books the awesome things I learn come from) it basically says "you can't have true freedom without rules. A freeway only works because there are rules. If drivers could do whatever they want and drive any speed in any direction, it would not be good." Again, not the exact quote because I can't remember which author said that. But essentially, there would be no freedom in an anarchy. To live the life of a functioning adult, you must have some level of structure or your entire life will self-destruct into utter chaos.
All this to say though, I can't have too much structure or I get so boxed in that I shrivel up. But, if I have too much freedom, nothing gets done and I am equally as miserable. So, my life is this fun game of tightrope where I have to balance my structure and freedom to an acceptable level of each.
At my last job, I had both too much structure and too much freedom at the same time. How does that even make sense you ask? Well, I like jobs where I can come in early or late, leave early or late, and basically assign my tasks to myself and make my own schedule (within reason). This is motivating to me. I can get a lot done very quickly if there's the promise of getting to leave early. In this job, I was to be there the full operating hours. Which is fine and totally reasonable. However, I didn't get to really dictate my day. I basically just waited around for things to do, which is honestly the worst to me. I like making checklists and plans for the day. Sure the plan can change at any time, but I don't like starting the day without any direction. And if I was given a task, I generally would either do it immediately and be done in five minutes, or procrastinate as long as possible knowing there might not be anything else to do for the rest of the week. I had forty very long hours to fill after all. I was doing a part-time job full time and it was definitely not working for me. I think everyone in that situation has benefited from me leaving.
For the three to four months that followed, I still struggled with my structure-freedom balance. Now I had nowhere to be, so nothing got done. That's not true. Some things got done some of the time, but I was not maximizing my opportunities. Because I had all day, all week to get things done, very little was actually getting done. When you have nothing to work around, you put off doing anything for as long as you can. It sucks.
"The only thing worse than being too busy, is not being busy at all." -Me and probably a billion other people
Another of my ever-growing problems is that I box myself into things and get frustrated that I had the audacity to do that. Then I get all passive-aggressive and stop doing the thing I once enjoyed to spite the part of me that boxed myself in.
For example, I made all these rules for this blog. Rules are good and help with cohesiveness, but the rules I made suffocated my desire to post so I stopped posting.
Mindy Kaling Is My Spirit Author
I just finished Mindy Kaling's two books. Wait, she might have more than two. Does she? I'm too lazy to look, so we are going to say there are only two. Anyway, I loved them. They were hilarious without being gross (why do most female comedians think the only way to be funny is to be inappropriate and gross?) and they were also told in essay form.
What I like about autobiographies told using essay form is that they are just a bunch of random stories or antidotes that don't necessarily relate to one another, but provide an overall scope of the person. I'm not sure if that sentence made sense or wasn't a run-on sentence, but I don't super care. Basically, Mindy has a variety of essays that each describe how she became who she is while not all relating to one another.
I love that. It feels random, but it's really not. That's what I want this blog to be. Just a collection of ramblings from a crazed lunatic that help you understand that lunatic better.
I am also going to try to post twice a week. Okay maybe once a week. Or six times a week. Truthfully, it will probably six posts one week then no posts for three weeks. I have crazy mood swings when it comes to my interests. Seriously, I can binge watch five seasons of a show in three days then not watch the last two seasons for weeks or months (sorry P&R). I am working on it though.
If you made it this far, thanks for sticking with me.
Have Fun. Be Safe. Make Good Choices.